It's rather interesting how effective empathy is in psychological manipulation, subversion and propaganda. Watching Barefoot Gen or Graveyard Of Fireflies has the viewer seeing America as the villian, an inhumane monster that nuked innocent women and children in civilian Japan, melting their eyeballs and burning their skin clean off. Also, watching clips of Akira makes me excited about animating. I loved that film since I was young. It's such breathtakingly good art and animation. I'm still not entirely excited about transferring my skill to the digital medium, I much prefer traditional, even with animation. But I'm excited at the prospect of becoming an animator.

Ugh. I want to draw so bad these past few weeks but school is usurping all my time.

ang. All that art of naked women I've done. But most of my art is non-sexual. Almost as if my lust, as an artist, is for beauty. There are times when I'm drawing that is similar to orgasm, but a million times better. Pleasure doesn't describe it, because the feeling isn't pleasure in the traditional sense of the word. It's something beyond pleasure, like there is no separation between the inner world and the external world. Like the feeling of one's mind melting as they orgasm, but with a focus and intensity that is difficult to describe, as it is beyond words. Almost as if my mind is melting with the boundary between the two worlds: imagination and the real world 

Something amazing and magical happened to me today. I was animating in my mind, drawing individual frames in a sequence. It's the first time I created a drawn image straight from my imagination, rather than an external source, in a very long time. But then I couldn't seem to play violin or anything else, as if doing great art is at odds and direct opposition to doing real life things well. Like my violin.

Snuck in a 15 minute drawing window to add another face 

Mind continues to check out. Reality continues to slip away. I forget things I'm reading within seconds of reading them. So decided to draw. Drawing is like a drug to me. It's as if there's this other world that exists, and overlaps this one. Imagination is a word used to describe that world. Yet, to me at least, it's real. And it crosses the boundary between the two worlds and pulls me into it. Maybe it's my brain injury. Maybe it's the schizoaffective disorder. Maybe it's both. But this escape from reality isn't always a bad thing. Often it's soothing and comforting. I'd much rather be in that world than this one. This world can be rather awful, and it's inhabitants as well. In that world people aren't horrid bags of garbage, everything is pleasurable and nothing hurts. 

Apparently doing art University is really bad for my art. I want to draw so bad, to escape into that world of imagination. Instead all my time is being sucked up and stolen by asshole professor. I'm supposed to be learning how to use computer graphics in animation and it sucks. I hate it. I just want to draw. Photoshop sucks, composition in after effects sucks. It's not real art. Requires more tech knowledge than artistic talent. My brain injury episode extended out at least 4 days and made it impossible for me to comprehend all that I've repeatedly forced myself to read on composition in after effects.

Woke up with my mind feeling strange, like I was submerged in water or suspended in gel.

Sorry I've been away, started school. But it doesn't seem like it's going to work out with my brain injury or mental health issues. Experiencing overwhelm, detachment, and there's a module due today. My brain injury or whatever the cause of my cognitive failure is striking at the most inconvenient time. I've worked so hard and have applied myself as diligently as I possibly could yet there's this mental wall I'm struggling to fight my way through, and I appear to be losing that fight. Every fiber of my being is telling me to let go, lay down and rest.