That magical music has been playing in my head, soothing woman's voice singing softly. Usually I only experience this when I do art. This is the first time I can presently recall that this has happened without doing art. That my imagination is crossing the boundary into the real world. It's interfering with my ability to focus and get things done. When in this state, there are these females who visit me. They'll kiss me and more. I realize they're all in my imagination, and they're not real, but they feel so real, their touch, their gentle caress. It's like a dream even though I'm awake. I can practically feel their arms and legs wrap around me as I bury myself deep inside of her. It's so vivid I'd rather be in that imaginary world than here in the real one.
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I was thinking of switching schools and degrees to nueropsych at UNM, since my brain injury hit an invisible wall, and I can't seem to get past it. But then last night I experienced a soothing visual hallucination, and have been hearing a soothing auditory hallucination all morning. I keep a private online journal about my mental illness experiences, to keep track of it in order to reduce it. I used to do this publically but social media is such a cesspool of idiocy and dishonesty that it wasn't really a positive thing. But in these experiences yesterday and today, I remembered the whole point, the long term goal, is to animate these experiences so I can increase understanding of what it's like living with my conditions. So I think my mental illness journal will be a huge part of the script for my animated show, if, God willing, I make it that far. Even now I'm struggling to focus, but am trying to force myself to fight my way through the fog, the haze, the dysfunction. To overcome my limitations.
The more I struggle to succeed, the more detached I become. It's like reality slips away from my grasp the tighter I try to strengthen my grip
I find myself incapable of remembering things I just watched, read, or was told seconds before. I wondered if I had become so stuck in a mindset that my failure at this current endeavor with University was purely psychological. But given these observations, I realize it's the result of my brain injury, and not getting help, care or support. However, I am currently living at a Martial arts dojo, and do Taekwondo 3 days a week, and meditation 3 days a week. I also fail at these things, like remembering forms I've been shown more times than I can count, but even with mental failure, I'm still getting physical exercise, thus benefiting
GabeMondragon
Strangely enough, in the midst of all this I'm going through, I find myself struck by a strong desire to draw, to make art. The angels or light beings visited me today. And took me to that magical place where everything is pleasure and nothing hurts. It happened while in class