What if her pussy is the key to everything? The pussy kisses me and that keeps me wanting to stay in reality? Get a girlfriend, make her my wife, become a father, stay in reality and leave the dream world behind? I doubt that's going to stop the hallucinations and episodes. I'm already highly motivated not to have anything wrong with me. Plus I recall disassociating or whatever these episodes are while my ex-fiance was riding me, and she saw me slipping away and said "HEY!" while she was writhing on top of me with me inside of her, to keep me grounded in reality. So even pussy wasn't strong enough to keep me from slipping away. That also tells me she knew something was wrong with me, saw all the signs she couldn't ignore, yet never bothered to try and get me help or treatment. I had another girlfriend on the East coast, who also has mental illness, but unlike me had actual family support, so she had tons of medications and stuff. She texted me recently but I ignored her. Anyhow we were walking back to the boat and this thing, whatever it is, hit hard. She recognized it, squeezed my hand tighter, and said "hey, stay with me. We're almost there." I never said anything, so I imagine they saw my eyes glaze over, perhaps my pupils dilated and my facial expression changed, who knows. But even she wasn't enough to keep me from slipping away either. I should probably text her back I guess. I don't want her because she still drinks and smokes, whereas I've quit a long time now.
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GabeMondragon
I've definitely seen people who weren't real or actually there, 3 times this week and a few other moments this month. But like shadows and movement out of the corner of my eye and when I check there was nobody there. I know they're not real, and telling myself they're not real makes it easier to control so nobody notices I'm crazy or there's something wrong with me. I tell people I'm crazy and there's something wrong with my head but they automatically ignore it or tell me I'm wrong, even though they don't live in my head. Because my seeking help in this manner tends to be punished, but hiding it is rewarded, this social reinforcement of maladaptive thoughts and behaviors is why it took me so long to get a diagnosis, why I had to fight so hard. And due to the same negative social factors, I can't get treatment, although pure government incompetence would be the primary cause of this outcome.