There's something weird going on with my head. I can't seem to draw or do the evening brain exercise, the anatomy coloring book. Still stuck at the same page for over a week or 10 days now. I'm afraid that if I force myself to draw anyway reality will slip away. I'll lose my ability to wake up early to bicycle, to read the morning brain exercise book, my violin progress which is further than it's ever been before will slip away and be lost. It makes no sense that these things pull me away from each other, but I was doing all these things with none of them sacrificing or suffering for the other in Ohio. The only logical explanation is the marijuana smoke in my environment is affecting my brain, cognitive functions. The not logical explanation is the energy here is just so horrible, draining and parasitic that it has to be one or the other. Because of all the marijuana junkie bums around me being energy vampires and thieves, leeches.
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But if I am to become an animator and staying in the vile drug soaked hell that is Albuquerque is the only way that's going to happen, doesn't that mean I have to abandon reality, a healthy sleeping schedule (which was a bust, btw. Left the house at 6:30 this morning and there was still a homeless bum junkie smoking along the route), violin, etc? I don't want to abandon these things I have worked so hard to achieve. Doing my brain exercises daily has had significant positive results with my mental health, including reading neuropsych every morning which I apply to my life. And the eye exercises which strengthen the prefrontal cortex, making my impulse control stronger than compulsive desires. I don't want to sacrifice all that for art. I've done it before. Nobody cares enough to help or support or take care of me. I have no friends or family. Relying on shitbag Americans as a support network led to me being homeless and frying my hand off, among other horrible things. I don't get why I can't have both? I had both in Ohio until the junkie liberal roommate ruined it by selfishly bringing drugs into the house, which was drug free before that. But since I know it's possible, it's hard to accept these lowly circumstances that pale in comparison to what I know is out there. The answer to my problems has always been drug free housing and transportation, let alone a drug free community or society. Instead of constantly being inhibited and pushed towards homelessness and mental illness by the selfish drug abuse and addiction around me.
GabeMondragon
Maybe it's the physical exercise that interferes with art production. Different parts of the brain and all that? But that's not true, because I was able to do all in Ohio. One way to look at this is being grounded in physical reality separates me from fantasy, rips me out of and away from illusion. But if I was doing both in Ohio does that mean I integrated fantasy and reality?